Yesterday was my first real blogging day of self-doubt – we’ve reached Day 11 of NaBloPoMo and I’ve done a post a day. I’ve enjoyed it and enjoyed the focus, deeply grateful for the steady supply of material that the Cheetah Keeper provides me with.
Reflecting (that’s the current word for ‘thinking’ on the business skills courses I’ve been on recently) on it, it’s been a week of self doubt, mainly caused by the ever escalating battle to get the Cheetah Keeper the medicine that he needs to help keep his nosebleeds under control. I will write about the medicine battle soon, but until I’ve sought some more help (which yesterday I finally accepted I need) I will wait. Suffice to say that telling me that it is “cost issue” does not help.
As I’ve battled through the fog of mental and physical exhaustion (just because you are tired does not necessarily mean you sleep…) I’ve been ready to give up work, my volunteering and pretty much everything else – with the ‘reasoning’ that being at home would give me enough time to do battle with the housework, the NHS and making sure that the children are getting the support they need to thrive at school. My concentration has been appalling, the packed lunches (although completely demolished) have not exactly been the picture of balanced nutritious & delicious morsels to get the Cheetah Keeper through his day at school and I have found myself standing in places with absolutely no idea why I’m there (or maybe that’s just me getting old).
Yet what have I done? I’ve blogged – and as far as I can work out, what I’ve written has made sense, people have read it and left me some lovely comments. But in looking at my comments, I’ve also become a little obsessed about looking at my stats – which then links onto this weeks BritMums blog prompt. This week it reads:
Stats, Rankings and Accolades- Important? Worthless? Dangerous? Unhealthy? Inspirational? What do they mean to you and should the parent blogging world even bother?
Last weekend I didn’t think I could write about stats and yet a week later and being in a kind of different ‘place’ here I am. When you’ve embarked on writing a post a day for a month, I guess you kind of hope that you’re not doing it vain! I’ve joined in with some seriously experienced bloggers who write beautiful, inspirational, informative and clever blogs and with some other newbies who are writing amazing stuff whilst finding their way through this phenomenal network that is parent blogging.
When I was awarded the Versatile Blogger and Liebster Blog I was thrilled to bits – as a new blogger recognition by my peers was a real boost. I’m not sure I have the time/energy/inclination/mental stability to embark on the journey into ratings, but the more I think about it, I do want someone to read what I’ve written. So I was perfectly happy with under 10 visits a day at the beginning – and then I had an amazing day for me and suddenly the stats got a bit more important.
Really important? In the grand scheme of things? Absolutely and completely not. But they lurk at the top of my blog – all the time. Those little lines popping up and down that give you a boost as they grow and drop off so quickly that I think (in aforementioned fog of irrationality) that what I’m writing is complete garbage and has no right to take up its little corner of the internet.
Hence the self doubt – was a post a day for a month really a bit much? Are people amused by the Cheetahs and does talking about our medical conditions either help or interest anyone? Am I essentially just rambling for the sake of a set of initials and the opportunity to be congratulated on ‘keeping at it’? Maybe. I’m also quite enjoying it though. It’s making me think, it’s making me sit down and let the creative part of mind work. It’s making me look at the world around me and how we fit into it – what annoys me and what makes me laugh. I have ideas for posts zinging into my head in all sorts of situation (I think my views on the what the girl in Sainsburys was being allowed to do with the trolley probably ought to stay firmly just as thoughts though) and I’ve spent some wonderful time with the Cheetah Keeper as he expands the world of the imaginary menagerie.
Will I keep looking at my stats – certainly. Is it healthy for me to look at my stats at the moment – probably not. Self-doubt (I think) is something that every parent experiences at some point; the world of parent blogging is a great way for others to realise that they’re not alone and that things do change, more often than not, for the better. When you’re in that place though, it’s hard – really, really hard.